The lowest of low.

– This is extremely hard to write or even gather thoughts for, but it’s so important to talk about. 

I’ve been to some dark places. I never knew places like that could exist until I was in high school. Until I was told to kill myself on honesty box. On facebook, years ago there was an app called honesty box. You would get messages from people, not knowing who it was. I would get many. I hoped for positive things, but it was so negative. If I posted too many pictures of myself I was obsessed and I shouldn’t because I was ugly. Bullying is the hardest thing I have been through, the worst being cyber bullying. You can’t defend yourself when someone remains anonymous. You don’t know who is it, where it’s coming from, or why.

“Kill yourself.” Why would someone tell me this. Why is this still being said to people today.. Maybe they are hurting too? I will never really know..  what I do know is those two words are so powerful and strong. They stab through your entire body making you feel worthless. It’s been years since I have heard this, but it has still come to my mind. It all started in grade eight, when self love wasn’t even an option for me. I didn’t even know it was possible, because the only thing I knew was self harm. It was such a dark place and I never really talked about it. I never really had a plan, to die but I sure thought about it. I hurt myself, not to die, but to feel. To feel the pain I thought that I deserved.. but nobody deserves that. No one should ever feel pain, especially from yourself. 

I’ve never been phyisally bullied, threatened sure but never touched. Although, the words I have been called. How worthless I was made to feel felt like a gunshot to the head. I was completely numb throughout high school. Wondering if there was ever a way I could please anyone, even myself. I’ve realized now that I needed to go through hell to get to the light. To realize my worth, my beauty, my purpose. I remember writing in my journal many time, “Why can’t i just die. Why can’t it just be easy. Why is there so many people I would hurt. People who would care.” As much as I was put down and told I was alone or worthless I knew that there were people who loved me.. Always. That is what has kept me through. 

I’m so glad that I was somehow strong enough to get through that period in my life and for where I am now. I want you to know what if you have ever felt this way or do right now. You aren’t alone. I am here for you. You are not the words of your bullies. You are more than what they say. You know your worth and your purpose deep down, don’t let them hide that from you. It’s easy to just give in or give up, but pushing through is so worth it. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and all the love/happiness that can come out of it is so refreshing. It’s as if you just shed off the negativity, the pain, the useless words that do not matter!!!! I feel there’s always a constant battle going on within your mind. You are in control of your life and how you feel. It’s that simple. I just hope that you decide to feel happy and let positivity into your life.. I am so glad that I did. It’s changed everything ❤️ 

I never thought I would ever share this, I just hope it helps someone who needs it. My scars don’t define me, they fuel me to do better and never feel that way again. 

Love yours,

Michelle Xox

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