I went back to work this week. I was extremely anxious to go back, but it’s truly been more wonderful than I could have imagined. I quit a few months ago when I didn’t even feel worthy to work or be around the amazing group of people that I work with. I’m so glad I know my worth now and that I do deserve good things in life.
What really surprised me from being back was the comments I got on how I lost weight, how good I looked, what I was doing ect ect. Truth is, I have an eating disorder. My weight fluctuates quite often and as I got all these comments thrown at me. I didn’t see them as a compliment or even a good thing. I don’t see the changes. I don’t feel ‘ skinner’ or like I lost weight or that I even need to. So I was honestly shocked.. I was pretty open in my response, I even explained I have an eating disorder so it wasn’t something I planned.. I truly have NO shame bringing it up so that isn’t what triggered me.
What got me thinking is this: When you lose weight and look ‘fitter, skinner’ people assume that you’re working out. Eating healthier. Doing something good. I wanted them to know I wasn’t well. I was sick. I wasn’t eating and if I did I purged. I wasn’t doing well. I wasn’t healthy because of my eating disorder. Just because someone has lost weight doesn’t mean it was their intention. Losing weight isn’t always a healthy thing and it could really trigger someone into thinking, what was wrong with how I looked before? Luckily my mind is in a place now where I know my worthy and beauty at any size. I’m beautiful curvy, fat or skinny. Weight doesn’t determine your worth OR beauty. I wish I knew that years ago. Free your mind from the doubt that use to cloud your mind.
On November 11th I fully committed myself to recovery. It’s been one of the hardest but most rewarding moments in my life. It hasn’t been easy, I’ve had some slip ups but every I choose to get up. I choose to fuel my body with something that will make me feel good. I breathe and mediate through my anxiety. I try as hard as I can. Sometimes it’s easy and I feel better within minutes. Other days it can take hours or even all day for me to feel somewhat good or comfortable. What I do know is that recovery is sure helping me and no matter what is thrown my way I can handle it. I’m so thankful for this journey I’m on && I can’t wait to share more about my recovery and the workbook that has helped me get here.
Recovery is SO so so SOOO possible, I promise you. ✨💗
PS: SO much has happened since I’ve last blogged!! I’ve completely chosen recovery and I chose it every single day. I’ve finished volume 1 of my magazine and I’m working on volume 2! I already have well over 6 people who have submitted and I’m always taking new material. (Email me, firstname.lastname@example.org) && my art will be in a handmade art shop locally in my town! I’m so happy with how things have played out. Especially since I’ve committed myself to loveyours & choosing self love/recovery. Last year was the most I’ve ever done with loveyoursCA and this year I’m dedicating myself to it even more. 💗
Good things CAN happen to you. You get to choose who you are, where you go, how you feel, and who you surround yourself with. Never forget the power you hold. ✨ you can change your life.